Pilot

[Planosss]

Hi team,
So I am thinking about writing a short animation series about working at spot, it will have a “family guy feel” including a character based on Brian the dog as an etl, named “Bully” as in bullseye.
I have written the pilot , where I introduce the main characters. As you guys are my intended audience, I would like some feedback.
This is my first attempt at writing, anything, so be brutal but constructive.


Thank you.

Opening scene: at tsc

Tm walks through tsc doors and sees 2 etls and a TL shooting the shit.

Tm walks in and looks at the group

TM: Hello

ETL Jason: Hi Tim, how is it going?

Hey, just fyi justin called out.

Tim: Ok, sighs, alright let me punch in first.

Tim goes to the equipment room, looks around and mumbles “damn it, someone took no.3 , as he’s reaching for a my device. Already looking defeated.

Scene on the floor

Tim walks through the tsc doors and almost runs in to Sarah,

Sarah: guess who called out again.

Tim: That fucking asshole, I knew he was going to pull that shit again.

Tim starts walking to the backroom

As he is opening the door, he hits a poorly parked uboat and knocks a box off of it.

Tim: wtf, then picks the box and throws it on the uboat. It knocks another box off of it.

Tim stares at the uboat for 10 seconds and then walks away, he is about to open the dairy cooler door when ETL named Bully (bullseye) calls him on the radio

Bully: (on the walkie) Tim please, Tim , from market do you copy?

Tim: go for Tim.

Bully: did you start your zone yet?

Tim: I just punched in, I am walking the dairy cooler, I will start my zone in a few minutes.

Bully: Thank you, team just as a reminder, we always start our day with zone and end our day with zone.

Tim shakes his head and opens the dairy cooler door.

Scene in the dairy cooler

Tim looks in the cooler, sees a milk pallet, and 3 other pallets, he screams fuuuuuuuuck! Fuck you justin!

Tim walks back to the floor and starts zoning, he finds weird items in the yogurt aisle like hand soap, toys and a pillow,

Tim, continues zoning and Bully comes down the aisle.

Bully: Hi Tim, what did we get for dairy.

Tim: umm ..3 pallets and a pallet of milk

Bully: Oh that’s not bad, you guys should be able to come clean.

Tim: its just me today.

Bully: what do you mean?*pulls grid out of pocket* I see justin is in dairy today with you.

Tim: He called out

Bully: what! He is going on corrective, i spoke to him about his attendance last week!

Tim: yeah I know, He told me.

Bully: unbelievable, well looks like its just you, make sure you’re looking for expired merch when zoning, please pull your 1:1s, and remember we gotta come clean in dairy

Tim, knowing he is only working for 5.45 hrs won’t be able to finish a majority of the push starts mumbling, as scene fades away.

 

[Hardlinesmaster]

Typical day at spot.

 

[NKG]

Why do you write weird ass shit on here?

 

[Planosss]

Why do you write weird ass shit on here?

Cause, B’rekroom?

 

[Ringwraith917]

Tim: "I'll do what I can"

Always remind leadership when your workload is impossible. They may not respond, because they can't say "it's ok I understand". They have to spout the latest corporate garbage. But at least you communicated your need for help to acheive the goals presented. If that help doesn't materialize, then it's on your leadership, not you.

 

[NKG]

Cause, B’rekroom?

Do you need reskepct?

 

[Ringwraith917]

I would watch some Target fanfiction, lol. I'm bored.

 

[ManMythMachine]

Why do you write weird ass shit on here?

This thread was posted at 2:47 AM.
I rest my case.


Planosss, You can't use "tsc". Tractor Supply Company already owns that abbreviation.
This is me being hash tag constructive.
Also, you might need a tad bit more cowbell.

 

[ManMythMachine]

Tim: "I'll do what I can"

Always remind leadership when your workload is impossible. They may not respond, because they can't say "it's ok I understand". They have to spout the latest corporate garbage. But at least you communicated your need for help to acheive the goals presented. If that help doesn't materialize, then it's on your leadership, not you.

How about...

Tim: "OK! I got this!" (Tim then proceeds to not got this.)

Or, to expound a bit on a bit...

Tim: "I'll do what I can! By the way... can you spot me some down-time? I just need Justin's entire shift not counted against me because he's not here you see! That would be ever so swell! Gosh golly gee willigers I really love this function! To death!" (Fade to Black hash tag Metallica)






Or similar.

 

[redeye58]

Why do you write weird ass shit on here?

Because he can 🙄

 

[Far from newbie]

Thanks for the effort. I could be entertained with this, please continue.

 

[Tessa120]

A little dry, maybe a more dramatic wrong thing, like some of those pictures people have been taking of their trucks. Milk still on pallets is one thing, milk that fell off and punctured is a whole 'nother level of "Why me god? "

 

[mizl]

Here, I did a free editing pass for you.

EXT. TARGET PARKING LOT - DAY

A STATIONARY SHOT. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the bullseye logo is shining white against the vibrant red storefront of Target. Birds chirp and flit from trees along medians between parking spaces. Guests come and go from the front doors with carts full of bags, laughing and smiling. We see the back of TIM's head enter frame as he approaches the store, and then the rest of him - a corresponding red shirt and blue jeans. We WHIP PAN TO THE LEFT and PULL OUT to reveal

EXT. TARGET PARKING LOT - DAY

A small, run-down door adjacent to the front doors. Ominous grey clouds over this side. Pages from a weekly ad for Target flit by on the wind. We see TIM's shoulders slump a little. He approaches the door.

EXT. TARGET SIDE ENTRANCE - DAY

We see TIM from the front as he presses a button next to the door and we hear RINGING. Nothing happens. A stray red cart slowly rolls across the parking lot behind as we wait. TIM's shoulders slump a little more; he presses the button again. We hear BUZZING, and TIM opens the door.

INT. TEAM MEMBER SERVICE CENTER - DAY

An office setting in beige, grey, and red. Lockers, desks, cluttered notice boards, time clocks. Two team members are using the time clock. One is putting things in a locker. One sits at a long desk near the entrance. Behind them, someone is using the photocopier. A few more pass, speaking in Spanish. In the middle of it all, inconveniently so, are standing JASON, ETL-2, and TL, leaning against the half wall bordering the long desk. They are relaxed, laughing. TIM shoulders past them awkwardly to get to the time clocks.

JASON
Hey, Tim, how's it going?

TIM
Well, I...

JASON
(interrupting)
Just so you know, Justin called out.
​

TIM's shoulder's slump a little more, and he sighs. He punches in at the time clock, and then goes to a nearby door and enters

INT. EQUIPMENT ROOM

The walls are lined with racks, shelves, and chargers. Most of it is missing, and what remains is semi-organized. Printers, walkies, scanners, smartphones in rugged cases, box cutters. On autopilot, TIM beelines for the walkies and reaches for a spot on the chargers labeled with a 3. His hand closes on air, and he refocuses. Confusion, disappointment, followed by faint frustration. He sighs and reaches for walkie 4 instead, which is scratched and has a bent antenna.

He grabs the rest of his equipment and stops by the door at a sign-out sheet. As he fills it out, the small room is filled with CACOPHANOUS HONK-HONKING. TIM jumps. His walkie crackles to life and we hear A LOUD, GRATING VOICE.

GRATING VOICE
(o.s.)
Team, you okay with that Drive Up?

Silence. TIM finishes writing. He checks that he has all of his equipment, squares his shoulders and straightens his back - bracing himself - and exits.

INT. THE SALES FLOOR

TIM is walking down a main aisle in the store. Bright lights, music, shiny fixtures, well-organized product. Around him, team members move vehicles and stock shelves. Guests browse the aisles. We meet SARAH coming around a corner.

SARAH
Guess who called out again?

TIM
I heard. I knew he was gonna pull that shit again.

SARAH
Well, good luck.

TIM
Thanks.
​

INT. BACKROOM

TIM pushes open one of the double doors to the backroom. Dark, dreary, cluttered, concrete floors and industrial steel shelves, the opposite of the sales floor. The door strikes a tall red vehicle sitting too close and knocks a box off of the top of its precarious pile. TIM sighs and shoulders into the backroom. He picks up the box and looks for a place to put it on the vehicle. Suddenly, he notices something, and shifts the box over to one hand to look at his right hand. It is covered in something translucent and bright green. TIM looks at the box; the word SLIME is visible on it, and the bottom is wet.

TIM
Oh, come on.​

Frustrated, TIM shoves the box on top of the vehicle. As he does, it knocks another box off. Even more frustrated, TIM grabs that box and goes to put it back. Suddenly, he freezes in horror and looks down at the box. ZOOM on a small label on the box, and ZOOM again on a small word printed on the label: GLITTER. TIM drops the box, but it's too late. His hands are now covered in glitter.

TIM
Oh, come on!​

INT. OUTSIDE THE DAIRY COOLER

TIM is trying to open the door to the dairy cooler with one glitter-free pinky. It doesn't budge. His walkie crackles. It is BULLY, another ETL.

BULLY
(o.s.)
Tim, please, Tim.​

TIM reaches for his walkie and hesitates - he still has glitter on his hands.

BULLY
(o.s., louder)
Tim from Market, please, Tim from Market.​

Cringing, TIM unclips his walkie and raises it to his mouth.

TIM
Go for Tim.

BULLY
(o.s.)
Is your zone all set?

TIM
I just got here, I haven't had time to straighten anything up yet. I'm checking on the dairy cooler now, but I'll start zoning in a few minutes.

BULLY
(o.s.)
Thank you, Tim. Team, just a reminder, we should always be starting our day with zone and ending our day with zone!
​

TIM rolls his eyes. He gingerly clips his walkie back on, then gives up, wipes his hands on his pants, and opens the dairy cooler. Inside, we see that it is chock full of freight.

TIM
Ah, fuuuuuu--
​

SMASH CUT TO

INT. THE SALES FLOOR

TIM makes his way down a refrigerated section with a three-tiered vehicle. From amidst various dairy products, he removes: hand soap, a LEGO set, a decorative pillow, a mostly empty Starbucks cup. As he straightens some yogurt, we see a large figure in red approaching from behind him. It is BULLY, the voice from the radio.

BULLY
Hey, Tim. What did we get for Dairy?

TIM
Uh, three pallets and a pallet of milk.

BULLY
That's not bad, you guys can get through all that today.

TIM
Actually, it's just me today.

BULLY
What are you talking about? Justin is with you in Dairy today.​

BULLY pulls a gridded schedule from his pocket, looks at it, and shows it to TIM.

BULLY
(ctd)
See? Justin, twelve to five-thirty.

TIM
He called out.

BULLY
What? Oh, he's going on a corrective action for this. I just spoke to him about his attendance last week.

TIM
Yeah... he told me.

BULLY
Unbelievable. Well, at least you showed up.

TIM
Are you gonna call anyone in?

BULLY
We gotta save those hours for payroll. Looks like it's just you today.
​

BULLY moves just ahead of where TIM is working and grabs a yogurt off the shelf, squinting at the label.

BULLY
(ctd)
Expired yesterday. You gotta make sure you're checking expiration dates when you zone, Tim.
​

TIM, stone-faced, nods. BULLY underhands the yogurt into the top of TIM's cart. The seal on the yogurt breaks and a glob of yogurt starts to roll down the side of the cup. TIM's eye twitches. BULLY starts to walk away.

BULLY
(ctd)
Well, go ahead and pull your one-for-ones, and make sure you get through those four pallets before you leave.

TIM
I'm only here for five hours today.

BULLY
Better get started then!​

 

[dabug]

See @Planosss , you are capable of not being toxic for an entire thread😛. Well so far

 

[Tessa120]

..... @dabug don't wave the red flag....

 

[Planosss]

Sweet! @mizl !!!

Edit: now where’re the animators at??

 

[ManMythMachine]

Here, I did a free editing pass for you.

EXT. TARGET PARKING LOT - DAY

A STATIONARY SHOT. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the bullseye logo is shining white against the vibrant red storefront of Target. Birds chirp and flit from trees along medians between parking spaces. Guests come and go from the front doors with carts full of bags, laughing and smiling. We see the back of TIM's head enter frame as he approaches the store, and then the rest of him - a corresponding red shirt and blue jeans. We WHIP PAN TO THE LEFT and PULL OUT to reveal

EXT. TARGET PARKING LOT - DAY

A small, run-down door adjacent to the front doors. Ominous grey clouds over this side. Pages from a weekly ad for Target flit by on the wind. We see TIM's shoulders slump a little. He approaches the door.

EXT. TARGET SIDE ENTRANCE - DAY

We see TIM from the front as he presses a button next to the door and we hear RINGING. Nothing happens. A stray red cart slowly rolls across the parking lot behind as we wait. TIM's shoulders slump a little more; he presses the button again. We hear BUZZING, and TIM opens the door.

INT. TEAM MEMBER SERVICE CENTER - DAY

An office setting in beige, grey, and red. Lockers, desks, cluttered notice boards, time clocks. Two team members are using the time clock. One is putting things in a locker. One sits at a long desk near the entrance. Behind them, someone is using the photocopier. A few more pass, speaking in Spanish. In the middle of it all, inconveniently so, are standing JASON, ETL-2, and TL, leaning against the half wall bordering the long desk. They are relaxed, laughing. TIM shoulders past them awkwardly to get to the time clocks.

JASON
Hey, Tim, how's it going?

TIM
Well, I...

JASON
(interrupting)
Just so you know, Justin called out.
​

TIM's shoulder's slump a little more, and he sighs. He punches in at the time clock, and then goes to a nearby door and enters

INT. EQUIPMENT ROOM

The walls are lined with racks, shelves, and chargers. Most of it is missing, and what remains is semi-organized. Printers, walkies, scanners, smartphones in rugged cases, box cutters. On autopilot, TIM beelines for the walkies and reaches for a spot on the chargers labeled with a 3. His hand closes on air, and he refocuses. Confusion, disappointment, followed by faint frustration. He sighs and reaches for walkie 4 instead, which is scratched and has a bent antenna.

He grabs the rest of his equipment and stops by the door at a sign-out sheet. As he fills it out, the small room is filled with CACOPHANOUS HONK-HONKING. TIM jumps. His walkie crackles to life and we hear A LOUD, GRATING VOICE.

GRATING VOICE
(o.s.)
Team, you okay with that Drive Up?

Silence. TIM finishes writing. He checks that he has all of his equipment, squares his shoulders and straightens his back - bracing himself - and exits.

INT. THE SALES FLOOR

TIM is walking down a main aisle in the store. Bright lights, music, shiny fixtures, well-organized product. Around him, team members move vehicles and stock shelves. Guests browse the aisles. We meet SARAH coming around a corner.

SARAH
Guess who called out again?

TIM
I heard. I knew he was gonna pull that shit again.

SARAH
Well, good luck.

TIM
Thanks.
​

INT. BACKROOM

TIM pushes open one of the double doors to the backroom. Dark, dreary, cluttered, concrete floors and industrial steel shelves, the opposite of the sales floor. The door strikes a tall red vehicle sitting too close and knocks a box off of the top of its precarious pile. TIM sighs and shoulders into the backroom. He picks up the box and looks for a place to put it on the vehicle. Suddenly, he notices something, and shifts the box over to one hand to look at his right hand. It is covered in something translucent and bright green. TIM looks at the box; the word SLIME is visible on it, and the bottom is wet.

TIM
Oh, come on.​

Frustrated, TIM shoves the box on top of the vehicle. As he does, it knocks another box off. Even more frustrated, TIM grabs that box and goes to put it back. Suddenly, he freezes in horror and looks down at the box. ZOOM on a small label on the box, and ZOOM again on a small word printed on the label: GLITTER. TIM drops the box, but it's too late. His hands are now covered in glitter.

TIM
Oh, come on!​

INT. OUTSIDE THE DAIRY COOLER

TIM is trying to open the door to the dairy cooler with one glitter-free pinky. It doesn't budge. His walkie crackles. It is BULLY, another ETL.

BULLY
(o.s.)
Tim, please, Tim.​

TIM reaches for his walkie and hesitates - he still has glitter on his hands.

BULLY
(o.s., louder)
Tim from Market, please, Tim from Market.​

Cringing, TIM unclips his walkie and raises it to his mouth.

TIM
Go for Tim.

BULLY
(o.s.)
Is your zone all set?

TIM
I just got here, I haven't had time to straighten anything up yet. I'm checking on the dairy cooler now, but I'll start zoning in a few minutes.

BULLY
(o.s.)
Thank you, Tim. Team, just a reminder, we should always be starting our day with zone and ending our day with zone!
​

TIM rolls his eyes. He gingerly clips his walkie back on, then gives up, wipes his hands on his pants, and opens the dairy cooler. Inside, we see that it is chock full of freight.

TIM
Ah, fuuuuuu--
​

SMASH CUT TO

INT. THE SALES FLOOR

TIM makes his way down a refrigerated section with a three-tiered vehicle. From amidst various dairy products, he removes: hand soap, a LEGO set, a decorative pillow, a mostly empty Starbucks cup. As he straightens some yogurt, we see a large figure in red approaching from behind him. It is BULLY, the voice from the radio.

BULLY
Hey, Tim. What did we get for Dairy?

TIM
Uh, three pallets and a pallet of milk.

BULLY
That's not bad, you guys can get through all that today.

TIM
Actually, it's just me today.

BULLY
What are you talking about? Justin is with you in Dairy today.​

BULLY pulls a gridded schedule from his pocket, looks at it, and shows it to TIM.

BULLY
(ctd)
See? Justin, twelve to five-thirty.

TIM
He called out.

BULLY
What? Oh, he's going on a corrective action for this. I just spoke to him about his attendance last week.

TIM
Yeah... he told me.

BULLY
Unbelievable. Well, at least you showed up.

TIM
Are you gonna call anyone in?

BULLY
We gotta save those hours for payroll. Looks like it's just you today.
​

BULLY moves just ahead of where TIM is working and grabs a yogurt off the shelf, squinting at the label.

BULLY
(ctd)
Expired yesterday. You gotta make sure you're checking expiration dates when you zone, Tim.
​

TIM, stone-faced, nods. BULLY underhands the yogurt into the top of TIM's cart. The seal on the yogurt breaks and a glob of yogurt starts to roll down the side of the cup. TIM's eye twitches. BULLY starts to walk away.

BULLY
(ctd)
Well, go ahead and pull your one-for-ones, and make sure you get through those four pallets before you leave.

TIM
I'm only here for five hours today.

BULLY
Better get started then!​

Observation 1: You are awesome.

Obsevation 2: You have much time on your hands to be awesome.

Observation 3: Why is glitter not outlawed? I STILL see it on cards and avoid it like the plague.

Equipment failure is a good comedic theme. I can hear on my walkie but no one can hear me. The talk button doesn't work. The charge from full to empty and beeping at me lasts approximately five minutes. Or less.

Tim: This zebra has a cracked screen.

Bully: It's only one crack. And it's only in the middle. Do your best to work around it. I also need you to flex to cashier. And carts. And bathrooms. And sanitizing. And trash. And Starbucks. And floors. And ceilings. And everything in between. Thanks for being flexible. It doesn't pay more but it's a good developmental opportunity. I'll follow up later on why you didn't hit prod and all the scan gaps. Now you see me... now you won't! *disappears literally*